Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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