last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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