On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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