I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
