I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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