I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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