I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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