note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize