the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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