Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
