My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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