omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
