why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
this boner is exhausting
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
