Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
