Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
