I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
