dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize