So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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