He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
