Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
