You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
