you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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