the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
