hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
