1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
...so i touched it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
