Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
