i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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