You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Text me some of your sweat
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