Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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