The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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