It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
