she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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