I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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