Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
false alarm. still invincible.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
