Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize