Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
