I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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