youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
it's like iHOP with fire
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize