I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
