I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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