i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
