An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Randomize
