how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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