i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
