Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So much rum. So many feels.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
