you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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