White coat. Heels.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
