I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
