It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
