Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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