Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
