so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
