Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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