He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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