I cannot find my penis.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
