but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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