so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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