you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
