I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Will exercising make me less horny?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
