My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
