I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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