So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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