He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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