I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
